


Falling

by InspirationEverywhere



Series: The (Pitch) Perfect Playlist [4]
Category: Pitch Perfect (Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Inspired by a Harry Styles Song, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, Song: Falling (Harry Styles), Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:56:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28984491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InspirationEverywhere/pseuds/InspirationEverywhere
Summary: Based on Falling by Harry StylesBeca reflects on how/when she started fallingMainly Beca's POV with some dialogue.
Relationships: Chloe Beale & Beca Mitchell, Chloe Beale/Beca Mitchell
Series: The (Pitch) Perfect Playlist [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2100651
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty angsty, it’s an angsty song.
> 
> I don't want to spoil anything but......prepare to hurt....read at your own risk.
> 
> Don't say I didn't warn you...... (but come on, this song should be enough of a giveaway)

_Present Day_

I never imagined my life would be like this. Once I met you, I never imagined my life would ever continue without you with me.

I'm here without you, in our bed tossing and turning with no sleep in sight. You’re not here and I can’t sleep knowing that I’ve made you upset and drove you away.

_One-year prior_

I never imagined my life would be like this. One hit song after another plus one chart-topping album, I was on top of the world and Chloe, you were right by my side. We were the _it_ _couple_ Hollywood, everyone want to be us.

“I love you Chloe” I said one morning as we were waking to a new day. There was nothing special about this day. I just think that when I have someone as special and someoneI love as much as you, then you deserve to hear that every day.

“I love you too, Becs”, you say as I start peppering you with kisses all over your face and neck.

I love mornings like this. Where it’s just us in our little world and no one else. The paparazzi have been more aggressive than ever with talks of a new album coming out so soon after my first one dropped. We just can’t catch a break with those guys when we go out. So I’ll take every moment I can get where it’s just us.

I had been on tour the last 6 months and had been home for about a month before I started working on the new album. Touring was a dream, shows every other night in a new city with screaming fans everywhere I went. It was surreal. It was like a party every night and I was the guest of honor.

But the fact that you couldn’t be with me most of those nights hit me the hardest when the night wound down. When the stage was torn down, the parties ended, and everyone went home. I was “going home” to an empty hotel room or tour bus every night. My heart would coming crashing down from it’s high of the performance every time I would hang up the phone after talking to you.

That’s when I started falling.

Three months into the tour, alcohol became my only solace to the empty feeling I had when the night was over, when the FaceTime calls would end, and when you couldn't be there to hold me. It never affected my performance, but it did affect my attitude toward my team and everyone knew. No one could stand to be around me for more than five minutes before I started yelling. I just wanted you around and touring and your school made that impossible.

I was able to get in under control about a month before the tour ended. I realized I couldn’t go back home to you in that state. You reminded me of that; you reminded me that I would always have you to come home to.

Now five months later, I’m ready to release a new one. I know these past few months haven’t been easy on us. With the pressure to release a new album so soon after my tour meant that I had a lot of long nights at the studio, sometimes not even coming home until the evening of the next day. I put a strain on us. I was missing date nights, I was late your classes spring performance (they were even performing one of my songs since they knew I would be there, I barely made it to the last bridge and chorus of the song), I was even late to my own birthday party that you had spent so long planning with Aubrey and the other girls.

I hated myself so much for disappointing you. I hated myself so much that I turned to alcohol again to numb the pain of the hurt I had for causing you to hurt so much.

I was falling again.

\-----

I was losing myself in my work. Honestly, it couldn’t even have been consider music anymore. I was pulled more into the logistics and promotions and legalities of the business rather than making actual music. The more I spent time away from you, consumed by what was going on at work, the more I felt myself changing into a person I never wanted to become. Someone obsessed with _making it,_ no matter what it took to get there.

My music was changing. No longer were they extensions or myself, with emotions and feeling oozing through every verse, every chorus, every bridge, and every lyric. The music was not my own; not of born out of my own doing by turning a dial, pushing a button, or adjusting a lever.

The music, the lyrics, myself, it all became _theirs_. The label owned me and I let them. My music was no longer _my music._ Rather just a generic, run-of-the-mill music and song that was just like everything else on the radio. No longer was it about the emotion of the song, but rather the “virality” of it. How marketable was it, how likely would _the kids_ take the song and make it a viral hit by playing it for their friend or make a dance of it on social media.

I was losing myself. I was falling.

\-----

Those final months of developing the album drew me to the bottle once again. I couldn’t stop myself at that point. I was so disappointed in myself for letting the label use me the way they had. For not standing up to them because I wanted to _"make it"_. But what hurt the most, what was the hardest to stomach and therefore I had to become numb, was hurting you in all they ways I know I had, and all the way I didn’t know.

Once the album dropped, the drinking just got worse. With all the promotion came all the parties and interviews. Of course, you were always my plus one. I wouldn’t have wanted any else there by my side. I didn’t know that behind your smile was just a world that was crumbling.

I never imagined the night of my second album release party would be one of the worse nights of my life. You were always by my side, as much as you stated that you did not want to be there. Our home life had not been what it used to be during my first album or even when I got home from my first tour.

I guess as the night progressed, so did the drinks and so did the attention. People were coming at me from all sides, I didn’t even realize that you had stepped aside to give me space to do my thing. That’s one of the things I love about you, you always knew what I needed even when I didn’t and you always let me do what I needed to do in that moment.

I was so caught up in the attention I was getting that I hadn’t noticed you had been gone for so long. There had been so many people, different types of people, hanging around, dancing around, giving me drinks. That was the first time I had experienced anything like it. I noticed there was this one woman who always stood too close. She was all over me. I tried to push her away but she would just push harder. I eventually found it easier to ignore her and continue my evening talking to other people. She had her hands all over me and would grab my hands to put on her waist, her hips, her ass. The alcohol was flowing through my veins and I knew it was getting harder to understand what I was doing, where my hands were. But I knew she wasn’t you. Even with so many drinks in me, I knew she wasn’t my person, the love of my life, the one who understands me more than I understand myself.

I saw you out the corner of my eye when I finally turned to her to take my hands off her and to tell her to back off before I called security. All of a sudden, I sobered up. I knew where my hands were and I knew that you had seen. I flinch back from her so fast and ran toward you. You had seen us, seen where my hands had been. I tried my best to rough my way through the crowd, but kept being stopped every few feet. I looked up to find you and you ran. You ran out of the party and by the time I had gotten outside, I couldn’t find you. I didn’t know if you had gotten a ride back to the apartment or if you walked, but I ran straight home not even caring about the party or the multitude of texts and calls coming through my phone. I caught a cab once my legs couldn’t run anymore and when I arrived home, my heart broke even further.

You weren’t there. I couldn’t even find evidence that you had been there at all. My only solace was that your stuff was still in its place. I took comfort in knowing that you hadn’t run from us, you were still _here,_ you were still _with me,_ there was still and _us._

I had called you so many times. From the sidewalk I ran on from the party, from the cab on my way to the apartment, from the apartment that was dark and empty and felt nothing like home. I didn’t get an answer. It was pushing almost 2am by the time we both ran from the party. I knew it was late, but I had to talk to you, I had to hear your voice. I had to explain what you had seen.

I wanted to explain everything. I wanted to blame my inhibition on the alcohol. I wanted to blame the woman who just couldn’t take a hint that I was in a committed relationship (we were Hollywood couple goals for God’s sake, she KNEW and yet she still tried). I wanted to apologize for what you had seen. I wanted to tell you I love you over and over and over again until my throat hurt and could no longer speak.

I couldn’t get a hold of you. You hadn’t answered any of my calls or texts all night. I had a clue of where you might’ve been but it was so late that I knew if I called there was a higher chance of them not telling me versus if I just called in the morning (not that I was sure they would still tell me in the morning because of what you might’ve told them about what happened, there was just a better chance of me getting thrown a bone if it wasn’t 2 in the morning).

With the time continuing to move forward and my exhaustion getting the best of me, I decided to call it a night. The only thing keeping me together was the hope that I would be seeing you in the morning. This nightmare would be over in the morning and we can go back to being _us._ We could get away for a bit and just be Beca and Chloe again. Find our relationship, find our love again.

I woke up at 2pm the next day. My head throbbing to the beat of my heart and my eyes refusing to stay open due to the light coming in through the bay windows. The only reason why I woke up to the light coming through was because you had pushed the curtains open rather than waking me yourself.

You wouldn’t even look at me, talk to me to wake me from my slumber. I saw the suitcases by the door before I even saw you at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in your hands, another cup, I presumed was coffee, for me pushed to my side of the table.

I explained everything, but you had seemed to have your mind made up. You were done with this, done with us. You told me you couldn’t take it anymore, that you were tired of taking care of me when I would come home drunk or worrying about me when I wouldn't reply to calls or text when I hadn’t been home for days at a time. You were done, we were over. You said you forgave me for the incident at the party (which I will never understand how you were so forgiving so quickly, but am forever grateful for), but I guess that was just push you needed to get out and leave. You left 20 minutes later after I had begged and pleaded, on my knees with tears flooding both of our faces, for you to just stay. We would work it out, we could be Beca and Chloe again, this was just a rough patch that we can fix but only if we do it together.

I was falling.

\-----

You still left and my heart broke, because I knew this was all happening because of me. You were leaving because of me, because of my actions (or lack there of) and behaviors of not being the person you needed me to be. My heart broke more knowing that I did this to you. I pushed to you so hard that it drove you away. You left. I didn’t chase you. You deserved so much better than me and I’m sorry that I kept you to myself for so long.

I cried myself to sleep that night, and every night after. It didn’t matter that my album took off. It didn’t matter that my dreams were coming true. With no one to share it with, what was the point. I realized my dream was not a successful life doing something I loved, but living that life with someone I love the most.

Numbing the pain of you no longer around was the only way I could move forward. I became like so many of the other artists I had read about, worked with, and sometimes made fun of. Alcohol wasn’t enough any more. Drugs came into the picture soon after and I was no longer myself. I was grumpier than my usual self, to the point that it was no longer charming or endearing. I was short-fused, snapping on anyone and everyone who would so much as ask me one to many questions. I was no longer taking care of myself and I didn’t care. None of it mattered if you weren’t going to be around. I was becoming someone that even _I_ couldn’t recognize. No wonder you didn’t want to stay with me. _I_ didn’t even want to be with myself.

I was falling.


	2. Chapter 2

_Present Day_

Now, a few months after the worst day of my life, I’m still alone in our bed. Tossing and turning and wondering how you are. How you are doing, what you are doing, if you are happier now without me, if you are able to move on with your life.

I remember going over to Aubrey and Stacie’s place the very next day, ready to beg and plead with Bree to let me in to see you. I knew you were staying with them; they were the only ones we would run to whenever we needed help. I couldn’t be happier when I found out that they were moving into the city. Nothing better than having your friends a just 20 minutes drive away.

They wouldn’t even open the door for me (I’ve never hated those RING Doorbells before now). They wouldn’t even acknowledge that I was there by telling me to go away. I just sat there on their porch waiting for someone to come out, someone to talk to me even if it was just to tell me to go away. After about an hour, and one cold cup of coffee sitting at my feet (from your favorite café), I decided to go home. I knew that not only were you upset with me, but so were our best friends.

Once home, I tried to get a hold of you and anyone in that household. I called you, left texts, and voice messages. I called Stacie and Aubrey, but still got no answer. Aubrey even deliberately hung up on one of my calls after about my 22nd time calling in a row. No one was there for me. I knew I deserved it, but it was so fucking lonely.

After about a hundred text messages sent to all three of you (I even went as far as sending DMs on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook), several dozen phone calls and voice messages, even several FaceTime requests, I decided to call it a night. My phone was on fire and about to run out of battery so I decided to give it a rest for the night.

I didn’t know what else to do, my only solace was the bottle of gin at the back of our pantry. I drank the whole bottle before I passed out.

The rest of the week followed pretty similarly to the first day after I had lost you. I would go to their house, knock on the door and wait and knock again for about an hour, then go home and call, text, DM, or FaceTime until someone answered.

* * *

About a week after our breakup, I finally got an answer. I went to their house and Stacie answered the door (I was lowkey glad it was not General Posen) and I only had to knock once! She told me how you were doing and how you absolutely did not want to speak to me. I didn’t need you to speak to me; I just needed you to listen to what I had to say. But I guess you just didn’t want anything to do with me since Stacie just shook her head and sighed. She said she was trying to put it lightly but I guess I just couldn’t take the hint. I gave her the letter that I wrote after the first night we were separated. It basically saying that I love you, I miss you terribly, and that I’ll be waiting for you for however long it takes until you are ready to see me again.

Walking away from that porch that day was the hardest thing I had to do. I knew I had to let you go, you weren’t happy and you weren’t going to be able to move on with me constantly around trying to make amends. I know you had forgiven me, I just hoped you would take me back in the process.

It’s now a couple months later, I hadn’t seen or heard from you beyond messages relayed from Stacie. Your stuff had been moved out of the apartment soon after I gave Stacie the note. I was hoping to see you then and talk to you, but you sent Aubrey and Stacie to come in and pack your stuff.

I had been writing a whole lot more in the last couple months. You know my songs were always for you, always about you. But these last couple months have been the hardest I’ve ever gone through and the songs just seem to pour out of me without anything to stop them. I just can’t seem to stop writing. I couldn’t get you out of my head; I couldn’t get what I had done to you out of my head.

Instead of my songs being full of love and hope and fun, there were full of pain and sadness and loss. The label _loves_ it, of course, anything to get me back in the studio again and to make them more money. But honestly, I hate going through this and I hate it even more that there are some people that want to take my pain and capitalize on them. Gone were days of mashups and upbeat, up tempo fun love songs; here to stay were the slow, longing soft songs of a broken heart trying to find it’s way back again.

You sent me a text the other day saying that you wanted to meet up. I couldn’t be more excited! I had been hoping for this day ever since the day you step out of our door. You were giving me a chance and I was most definitely not going to mess it up.

* * *

I can't wait to see you today! I stare at the sign above my head, the Beachwood Café (your favorite). I walked in and quickly searched for those baby blue eyes I loved the most in this world. I found you sitting at our favorite booth in the back, away from peeping eyes and ears, already cradling a mug of, what I assume, was your favorite latte and another mug sitting across from you (in my spot) that I was assuming was for me.

You looked good, really good, and I couldn’t stop smiling. However, when our eyes met, that was when I knew that something was different. You were guarded and you were exhausted keeping that guard up. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore, but one look at your eyes and the knowledge that I was the cause of the dullness, the cause of the light to be gone, broke me even more.

Our eyes met and a smile was already making it’s way onto my face (despite my heart breaking at the slightly less sparkle in your eyes) and I saw a smile slowly creeping onto yours as well, even though it wasn’t reaching your eyes. I walked over ready to give you a hug, but you just said a quick “Hey” and handed me my mug. It stung, but I honestly you talking to me, even if it was just one word, was enough. I missed your voice, the comfort it would bring, even with just one word.

“You look good,” I say as I take my seat sliding the mug in front of me on the table. I couldn’t take my eyes off you, but you wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“Thanks. So do you,” you say. “I hear congratulations are in order. You’ve got another hit album under your belt. I’m happy for you Beca,” a soft smile appearing on you lips as you slowly look up at me.

After hearing you say may name, I couldn’t help but mimic the smile on you face.

“Thanks, but it’s no big deal.” I say.

“Well it’s very impressive. I’m so proud of you, you worked-“ but I cut you off before you could finish.

“It doesn’t mean anything without you.” I say as I look straight into your eyes so you can hear the sincerity in my voice.

“Beca-“

“But it’s whatever, can we talk about something else? How have you been? How’s your class doing? I’m sure those kids are excited for summer break to begin…” I trail off hoping you would pick up the conversation.

We talk about anything and everything, but conversation still felt stunted, filled with awkward silences and my desperate attempts at keeping the conversation alive. Small talk was never my forte, but I was afraid that if we stopped talking, you’d leave and I’d never see you again. I know this conversation is awkward and I wouldn’t even want to come back to my own company, I can only imagine what you were thinking.

Our coffee mugs have long been emptied, neither of us deciding to go up and get a refill, and the silence comes once again. I couldn’t keep skirting around the subject of where _we_ were anymore…

“I miss you.” I blurt out after a rather long period of silence and stares.

“I miss this, us talking. I miss your voice, your comfort, your presence. I just miss _you_.” I say as I’m choking back on the lump in my throat and holding back the tears in my eyes that I refuse to let fall.

“Beca, I don’t thin-“

“No Chloe, I need you to listen. I’m falling. I’ve been falling and I don’t know how to get up. How to move passed this. I can’t go a day without crying or thinking of you. Everywhere I look I’m reminded of you, everywhere I go I feel you. Heck, everything song I listen to is about _YOU_!” The tears are freely flowing down my face at this point.

“I _need_ you in my life Chlo. I don’t know how to move forward without you. You’ve always been there to help me up. Nothing I do makes sense, nothing I do matters if I don’t have anyone to share it with. You’re it for me Chlo. And I’m so sorry that it took me this long to realize that you deserve better and I should be better. I love you Chloe. I love you so much it hurts. And I know you love me too. I know this can’t be the end of us.” As I’m speaking, I look at you and your face is just as wet with tears as mine. As much as I hate to see you cry, a small part of me is comforted by the fact that you felt something in that little speech I gave.

“Beca, I love you too. So much that it doesn’t make sense. It scares me sometimes because in my love for you, I let you do so many things that were harmful to not only you but to myself as well. I love you so much that I began to lose myself just so that I could hang on to you.” You say as you grab my hand. I hold on to that hand for dear life, afraid to let go.

“But I chose you. I chose you everyday even though it killed me sometimes. I chose you more time than I chose my myself and my happiness.” You said with a sigh.

“I can’t keep doing that. I’m choosing myself now. I can’t keep choosing you and losing me in the process. That’s no way to live.” You start fiddling with your mug, suddenly finding in more interesting than me.

“I love you so much Beca. So much so that it got to the point that I thought I couldn’t live without you. But it has to be this way. I don’t think we can both live truly happy if we’re constantly worried about the other persons happiness.”

“But you are my happiness Chlo. I’m happy knowing you’re by my side no matter what happens. I’m happy knowing that I get to go home to the love of my life everyday. Especially when it’s been a long day, one thought of you and my mood instantly changes and I can’t wait to get my happy again.” I say desperate to change the course of this conversation. I can feel the true end coming and I don’t want to stop. If we stop, there’s no starting again.

“Beca, I can see the disappointment in your eyes every time you come home and I’m upset. It’s not disappointment in me, but in yourself. I may be your happy, but I’m also your downfall. I know that every time you come home late, whether I waited up or not, you beat yourself up for making me wait. I know that every time you are pulled away at a party, you can’t truly enjoy yourself because you are wondering where I am or what I’m doing in. I know every time you answer a text late or miss a call from me, you are beating yourself up for not answering right away. I understand that sometimes you can’t help it, work is work and you have obligations and responsibilities to attend to. But also please understand that sometimes I can’t help it. I can’t help but feel left out or alone or sad because my girlfriend would barely text or call or come home to spend time with me. And that's on me, that's something I have to deal with. But the worst part of it, was that she would blame herself and that would make her feel even more of a disappointment. I can't keep letting you do that to yourself.”

“You’re not a disappointment, Beca.” I shake my head at you. “You’re not. No matter how much you say you are or how loud you yell it, you are not a disappointment.” The tears are back for both of us. I didn’t even noticed that we stopped crying, I feel numb as our conversation moves forward.

“You are an amazing person, Beca Mitchell. And I feel so incredibly honored to have your love and to love you back.” The tears are coming harder and our grip on each other’s hands seems to have tightened.

“I just think, for right now, it’s best if we find our own happy away from each other.” A sob breaks out from you lips and I can’t help but hang my head, my grip on your hands even tighter.

“Will we ever be together again?” I choke out as the tears blur my view of your beautiful face.

“ I like to hope so,” you say with a smile on your face. “I just know, for now, we shouldn’t be. We were both disappointing ourselves making sure the other was happy that we forgot how to make ourselves happy without the other person.”

You start to pull your hand away, but I grip tighter wanting to linger in the contact for a bit longer. If I let go, I don’t know when I’ll be able to hold you again.

“I’ll never let you go, Chlo. You’re it for me. You’re my person.” I say looking into you eyes.

“We’ll find each other again, Becs. I’m sure of it.” You say as you get up, face full of tears but a small smile on your face. My nickname coming from your lips giving a bit of hope that what you are saying is true.

Our hands let go but I can’t seem to move from my spot. I just sit there as you lean down to kiss my cheek as you say, “I love you so much Beca Mitchell. Never forget that.”

“I you so much too” I say back as my hand slip from your grip.

I watch as you make your way to the door. With one last look and one last smile as you push the door open to leave, I look at you and I just know that this isn’t the end of us. I’m determined to not stop falling. I’m determined to get back up, to find myself and find my happy (without needing you or another person to be that for me). I’m determined to be the person you deserve. We will find each other again Chloe Beale.

Until then I will hope that you can find your happiness and know that I am wishing the best for you too. We will find each other again, and when we do we will both be the people we deserve.

I _won’t_ be falling _._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...not really a happy ending but a *fingers crossed* hopeful ending.
> 
> Let me know what you thought. 
> 
> (I'm kinda new to this fanfic things so any constructive feedback or comments are welcome)
> 
> :)


End file.
